each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.