Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
The booster protects against what, now?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.