You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom