*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re