5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You Might Also Like
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.