My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The Assassin.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.