[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
She: I like Cats
He:
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.