a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
same energy
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week