[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Aw man, but that’s the best part
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.