I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Breaking news:
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”