Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?