The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time