me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
excuse me
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
who will stop them
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both