“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
cats when you pet them too long:
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters