Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
You Might Also Like
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
me, too, girl. me, too.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.