Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Meat Cute
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.