Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan