first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse