Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
So the ex texted me
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea