Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?