my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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inventing words: clothing
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.