Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
This cat wants you to take your pills
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Perfect
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.