[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I love it all
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome