My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Cause of death: Zumba
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.