one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse