Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
This is true.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever