Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sniffing the broccoli
Wait a minute
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.