serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.