Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
🙁
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.