I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster