Rambo Rambow
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*