#Caturday
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
That’s it.I’m out.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.