Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u