A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.