[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.