My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)