Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.