Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole