ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I love you…
…r dog.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Welcome
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel