Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.