girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You Might Also Like
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
iPhone X
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value