O Wise One….
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I have no passwords left in me
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.