The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.