At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
How times have changed.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.