*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
You Might Also Like
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”