[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.