“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
British websites use biscuits.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please