he’s doing your taxes
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*