*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.