The opposite of Iceland is water water
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”